5-Hour Experiment at UT Tyler

I’m sure by now most of you have sat through one of those 5-hour Energy commercials or at least seen an advertisement for it in a newspaper, a magazine, etc. And I’m sure by now most of you have tried one and learned of its hidden power. However, I have not. So today when I went into the call center I decided to try one and see the effects it had on my work.

After arriving at work I was allowed to run over to the UC store and pick up one of these bad boys. I also picked up and Arnold Palmer (ask your grandparents) because those are just plain delicious. I quickly returned to my desk in the call center to begin the experiment. I looked on the back of the bottle and read the instructions:

Recommended Use: Take one half (1/2) bottle for moderate energy. Take one whole bottle for maximum energy.

 I became quite bored at this point so I just took the whole thing. It tasted of strong artificial berry with a stingy aftertaste. Some would say tangy but stingy does it more justice. I then continued to read the rest of the label

Do not consume more than two bottles daily, consumed several hours apart. Use or discard within 72 hours (three days) after opening. Refrigeration not required. 

The following is the data I gathered while working on 5-hour energy. These notes are unabridged an unedited.

• 4:03 swig whole bottle like the man I am. I instantly begin to feel tingle in hands and eyes. I feel a slight stroke coming on.

• 4:05 I have a hard time reading my work emails. Everything is shaky. Now I’m certain of a stroke.

• 4:06 Begin blogging. Stroke paranoia is gone but a strange sensation to go jogging suddenly appears.

• 4:06:30 Sensation to go jogging gone

• 4:12 Shoes must be taken off. They are drooling on my feet and must be taken off before they eat them.

• 4:13 False alarm. Just sweaty feet.

• 4:20 Eat a chewy Jolly Rancher. It is delightful.

• 4:34 first call made. No one answers. Sad face L

• 4:40 Why do my teeth itch?

• 4:52 Sensation to go jogging back. Running laps around call center but I feel the flop sweat is begging to annoy the other bloggers.

• 4:57 Boss brews coffee. Begin to realize this might have been a bad decision.

• 5:01 Want for coffee is now at all-time high. However, due to the fact is caffeinated I will have to resist. The label warned me against it.

• 5:18 notes at this time. Just want to know how you’re doin. So, how’s it goin?

• 5:51 Take restroom break. Urine is normal color

• 5:59 Why isn’t it 6 yet?

• 6:01 I MISSED IT!!! GAH!!!

• 6:07 How did all this skin get on the back of my hand. Better get it off

• 6:08 Never mind. That’s supposed to be there.

• 6:20 Starting to feel tired. 5 hours my rear

• 6:29 Mother on Facebook responds to her sons claim that him liking Bruno Mars is false. She responds with “ur face is false”. I ‘like’ every comment.

• 7:01 Largest time gap in notes so far. Time is just flying by. I guess that’s a good thing.

• 7:12 Feel a sudden surge of energy. Must build it… Then they will come.

• 7:20 I’ve been congratulating future students on being accepted since I started calling. Someone should definitely congratulate me for being so good and congratulating various congratulaties. That is now a word. 5 HOUR ENERGY FTW!!!

• 7:51 Get off 30 minute phone call with prospective student and father. Really nice people and I wish them the best. (Not all of these have to be funny)

• 8:01 finished with calls begin to work on blogging

• 8:02 Starting to feel a bit queasy. Uh oh.

• 8:17 Sick feeling gone all is well.

• 8:30 Leave the call center wondering where the time went.

After leaving work I still felt the energy from the beverage so I did what anyone hyped up on artificialness would do. I went to bed.

All in all 5-hour energy is not that bad. It says it has about the same amount of caffeine as a strong cup of coffee and that’s exactly how it felt. I felt it almost instantly but it didn't hit me like a sugary Monster or Rockstar energy drink would. Plus it’s tiny and really easy to drink.

Just to get things straight in no way do I support the regular use of energy drink. They should be used with caution and only after the instructions have been read with great care. Basically you should use energy drinks like you would an over the counter medication; use as directed and don’t take TOO MUCH!! So when it comes to cramming for upcoming midterms or trying to focus on a paper be careful when using energy drinks and remember, naps are good and getting a full nights rest is even better.

Life Cheat #49804: Laffy Taffy makes me sad... Less of a cheat more of my opinion.