Relationships &
Responsibility on Campus
This kind of an
article is difficult to completely manage a whole “feel” for since the way
people view, practice, and experience relationships are all difficult. What I
will be focusing on are very loose concepts, however I will try to point to
real-world examples from my college experience.
Also, if my words
don’t match up with your religious, cultural, family, or personal beliefs, I
apologize!
MEETING PEOPLE vs.
MAKING FRIENDS --- This one might seem obvious at first glance; it is actually
a very important thing to think about when you are out and about in social
settings. In college we meet anywhere from 50 to 300 new people over the course
of a semester, primarily from classes, but also from meet-up study groups,
lunch, sports events, and more. College is simply a place with so many people,
it can become overwhelming to process everything.
When we start new
classes we tend to meet the people immediately around us, and that sometimes
prompts conversation, homework questions, and more. If you get a chance, try
and touch base with the other people in class, the ones on the farther edges
from where you are sitting. If they say something interesting in class, or you
notice something in common ( like an AWESOME comic book related shirt, or maybe
a band sticker? ), then comment on it! What’s the point of wearing tributes to
the things we love if nobody who enjoys the same things fail to go, “Hey, I
love [ insert lovable thing here ].” As we meet more people we can start
hanging out more. Maybe it’s lunch, or chatting in one of the study areas ( for
hours with some of my friends! ), or agreeing to form a study group to survive
a particularly rough class. The point is, we have access to meeting with people
( acquaintances ) who can then become our friends.
I have known many
people who date for surface-value reasons ( “Hey, you are hot” ), and don’t get
me wrong – that kind of dating has it’s place. Nothing wrong with it. As we
meet new people and become friends, we get to really know people, often without
the “stress” of a relationship’s needs being present.
Just be mindful of
making friends out of the people around us we might take for granted, and then
from these people maybe you’ll meet somebody worth spending more time with in a
relationship. Either way, this promotes being social and that is never a bad
thing!
FINDING THE TIME
--- One of the biggest complaints I have heard against the ability for a person
to date while in college has been the lack of time. “Well, I have class, I need
time to study, I work, I commute for 45 minutes, and I also need time to
cook/prep dinner.” This is a 110% reasonable thing to worry about, however I might
make some small suggestions.
If ( and this is a
big if … ) you think somebody is worth the time to get to know better, and maybe
your schedule this semester might keep you from something special, especially
if the next semester would possibly give you more time? Or over the summer? Don’t
wait, talk to this person and just be honest. I have had friends who made lunch
dates between classes, decided to talk over the phone whenever possible, and
made pre-arranged days off from work to see each other. The trick is knowing
the other person will work with you, which is obviously the trickier aspect. Still, college is tough to navigate and I’d
always rather advise a person to seek management of their outside class time to
make a relationship happen, at least over one friend’s alternative: they quit a
class to make more time for that Mr/Ms. Special.
Please, don’t jeopardize school for that, regardless of the “specialness”
of said person. A genuinely “special” person should reject such a plan if they
know you’re considering it!
DATING VERSUS
RELATIONSHIPS --- Okay, so I’ve been using the term “relationship” here a bit,
and perhaps now is the best time to distinguish the difference between that
term and the term “dating.” This is from my point of view, but a date is
something that implies both parties can go out and enjoy themselves without a
strict commitment being in play. I know a few people who successfully manage to
“date” a few men/women every month … but they ( this person and the people they
date ) understand that the date is *NOT* apart of being in a relationship.
Genuine relationships
are committed social pairings where each person agrees to exclusively go on
dates and be with the other person. These require both parties to agree and it
( usually ) takes some time and multiple dates before things are worked out.
Get to know the
people you date. Take your time to be friendly, do things in town, use the MANY
free-access things the University puts on, etc…
Should you decide to date, or be in a committed relationship, please,
please listen to the following …
SAFETY --- This
goes for your emotional, physical, and sexual safety people. When it comes to
your physical person, don’t agree to visit somebody’s home unless you trust
them, and preferably if somebody YOU know
then knows where you will be. This doesn’t have to be like giving
yourself a nanny, just casually let somebody know you’ll be meeting with
somebody new at their place. Or, maybe they’ll be visiting you? Just be sure
you keep some fashion of communication open when letting yourself into a stranger’s
home … or, letting them into yours.
When it comes to
emotional safety, I mean this as plainly as I can – don’t let drama into your
life that is unwanted. You’re in college, you have your own family and friends,
so don’t simply start relationships with people who you know will drag you into
over-emotional scenarios. Obviously, this will vary from person to person, but
let me give you an example.
I knew a really
awesome girl who decided to start dating a guy who had not really known very
well. Still, she insisted this person was “awesome, etc…” and was a stand-up
guy. They dated very little and went right into a relationship. WELL, turns out
this person who she was now dating had a bad habit of amassing exe-girlfriends,
girlfriends he left in rather “bitter” circumstances. She soon found herself under
emotional attacks by these women for dating him, as well as being genuinely
warned by some to not date him because of his relationship habits. They quickly
broke up and, afterwards, she confided with some of is how she knew his
history, but she ignored it because she thought things would be different with
her. It seemed like he genuinely did like her, however his past actions carried
over and the stress of the whole situation did not mix well for her with 18 hours
of class and 30 hours of work a week.
Getting to know
people while we date often lets us also meet their friends, family, and
co-workers, people who have a very goof window into the lives of the people we
are with. Knowing how this person treats them ( yes, even exes ) can provide us
with invaluable information while we date in college.
Lastly ( yes, we
all knew this was coming ) is sexual health. Look, plain and simple? Don’t take
risks. If you really care about somebody and want to take that step? Ask that person to join
you in getting an STI test over at the clinic. Talk to the people they’ve dated,
provided that is an option. Use protection and inquire ( politely! ) if sex is
even an appropriate stage to take. I mention that last part because, all too
often, one person in a relationship very frequently rushes into sex ( or caves
into it ) because they ‘assume’ the other person wants it.
Keep open lines of
communication with your partner open before you become sexual partners.
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