My hands are all torn up

Been a rough week for my hands, cuts, bruises, tears, calluses, you now I used to want to be a hand model? Being too careless unsheathing my knife led to cut number 1, cut number 2 came from cutting my chicken too roughly, serrated edge knife cut is ouchies. The caluses are from doing so many chin ups and pull ups. The knuckle bruising is from my latest workout at the new XTC fitness center, kickboxing class workout to the extreme! And the skin tearing would also be attributed from having mma gloves as opposed to full on boxing gloves, where the fingers are open to the harshness of the bag. So now I have super brawny man hands and you should pity me, do it, do it NEOW!