That Big Book Review: 10 Slightly Clumsy Steps

AKA my writing process.

AKA
Via All Voices

So I'm taking a shot at writing about my writing process. I am also doing this to avoid writing a paper I have due next week. Get ready, y'all, I'm about to blow your minds. Drum-roll please! I have no idea what I'm doing. 

10 ridiculous and problematic steps to writing a paper.
(Must be worth at least 20% of grade for full effect).

1). Buy an APA for dummies handbook for $25.00.

You won’t use it, but you will probably look through it once ten minutes before you have to submit your paper. The false sense of security you can garner from little guides genuinely makes you feel a little better.

2). Choose a prompt that interests you.

Typically you can get a boring paper over with very little time and effort involved, depending on how developed your BS skills are. With THIS paper, however, you will spend 3 hours obsessing over an 8 page reference journal that isn't even a required reading because it is intellectually stimulating and supports your thesis. At this point, you haven’t even written your thesis.

My thoughts exactly, Ryan Gosling.
If you're a bird I'm still not done with this journal excerpt.
Via BlogsKPED

3). Get caffeinated.

I cannot express how important this part is to your success. I’m kidding. Drinking coffee isn't going to make writing your paper any less challenging. What it will do is provide you with an excuse to get out of your room. Let's face it, you were most likely stuck looking at old photos of yourself when you were younger and didn't have to worry about the woes of university. “Hmm. Maybe some coffee would help get my motor running again….” Note: You will crash about 4 hours after consumption and will most likely sleep through your first class tomorrow.

4). AUDIO. BOOKS.

If you have a paper to write, find out if you can listen to any of the books on an audio version. You can check iTunes and Amazon for them. If you get an audio version, you will know exactly how much time it will take to finish the book! AND you can do laundry while listening-or make food, drive, wash your cat, etc.  Let’s face it, you probably need to do other things besides read today. 

The Multitasker.
Via The Meta Picture

5). Put it off for a really long time.

Are you afraid of not getting your paper done on time, but you spend a copious amount of time doing things that have absolutely nothing to do with your paper? You've painted your nails, written a short haiku about writers block and have possibly considered learning a new language. This is your mind’s way of saying “not tonight” in response to this paper. Your mind wants to do something else. You fight it for a while. You get on Written?Kitten! to help you with writing but end up just typing p p p p p over and over until you can see another kitten. You eventually give up. Another week goes by.

6) Use paper as an excuse to be a hermit for two weeks.

You know that this paper is going to suck your enjoyment right out of the week. Prepare in advance by buying a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and clearing your calendar. That way you will have sufficient time to stress out unnecessarily and be socially reclusive!  

7). Freak out the day before it is due.

This is the critical part of the writing process. At a certain point, the weight of the assignment will be enough to force you to work on it. By this time, you will have other assignments that you also have to begin stressing about. Put everything in your life on hold for 24 hours and write like mad.

YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING.

8). Call the one person you know who can do citations well.

This is the point on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire where you call a friend because you are NOT SURE AT ALL if you have the right answer. The stakes are high. All of your friends are kind of flakey, so good luck getting a hold of someone.

9). Buy pizza or something equally comforting.

Just… Just eat it. You are hungry and pizza is delicious.

10). Skim over paper.

You have 3 minutes to submit. That’s what you get for waiting so long to read your book. You will find a few grammatical errors in the first paragraph, and that will make you very, very nervous. Swallow that uneasy lump in your throat and just submit it.  

FINALLY, IT’S OVER! 

You only broke down once, and even though right now you feel like a cat who just got a bath, you know tomorrow will be a new day. You actually feel pretty good about it, all things considered. Now, thank your lucky stars you aren't an English major and pass out on the closest soft object.