A Student's Letter To Parents

 First, let me say that I am approaching this article from a very unique standpoint and it deserves some commentary beforehand so as to have my thoughts make the most possible sense. First, I have spent way more time in college than I should have on account of having switched majors, as well as for the fact that my degree searching took me across two states. This journey caused a severe delay in my expected graduation date of 2013 ... and I started in 2005-2006. I hope you might listen to my perspective as I look forward to being a dad someday, I really do. I understand that I am going to have to watch my kid go from being wholly dependent on me; to likely know that they think that ( while trusting that he/she/they love and respecting me ) that I don't “get" his/her trials, tribulations, and difficulties. Or, who knows, we could be thick as thieves? The point is that I'll have to watch him or her go off to college.



   As somebody who is in college now, I hope these points will be as much for my future self as they will be for current parents. That having been stated, let us explore what I think will be wise to remember.



   1 – Money: I was lucky to have had a part of my college experience at a time when my mother was very well-off, financially speaking. If I needed money I could ask and it was sent. Other times our family was not well off and I knew I couldn't ask for money. In fact, there were times I had to send money to her. Unless you are capable of providing for all your child's needs while they are in college, money will be an issue for parents on at least some level. You may have already spent a lot on the college fees yourself, or perhaps taken it out of a nest-egg. Even with this in mind, you'll very likely have to deal with the phone call or email saying "Hey, I need some cash." My advice would be to make sure Little Johnny/Jane is doing their work and that their grades are stable. Perhaps acknowledge that, depending on their grades, they can count a certain amount of "side money" being available for special situations. Or, perhaps you are capable of helping your child, but you'd like to see them cough up at least half of whatever is requested? I highly encourage parents to push their child (appropriately and with good intent) to seek on-campus jobs, and also to make sure they apply twice to any job. Money is meant to be earned as well as given, so while I might expect you will need to dish out some excess funds, I also think as a parent you should ensure your child is trying to work as well.

 PLEASE NOTE: Some parents are explicitly against their children working while in classes. Please understand this is your right and, if that is what you want, you certainly can make sure this happens. I would caution, however, that even small part-time jobs on campus can lead to a better work ethic for your child and that they will learn almost as much from that as they would from any core curriculum course offered by the university. Perhaps, even more.

    2 - Time: Your child will suddenly be loose in the "real world" which, suspiciously, will be a lot like high school all over again, but with one exception being that they will have a lot of free time. While they will be taking many (or very few) classes, the space between the courses could provide ample hours, and hours of nothing to do. I would encourage you to inform your child about how to spend this time and to develop a routine for exercise, socializing, and studying. The time might seem abundant and never-ending, but it is truly finite and how they start to learn to spend it will be the kind of habit they will have when they are about to graduate and suddenly those tests are even more important. Having encouraged them to develop good study habits now is a great way to make sure your kid is on the right track.

    3 - Studying and Learning: These two things are very different and I cannot tell you how many people do not clearly define the two. Studying can often be simply the memorization and regurgitation of facts where learning is actually applying things extrapolated in facts to our daily lives. Students will be doing a lot of time with books they won't want to read, that are too expensive, and in subjects that will likely not be their major. Still, students will have to read that awful Literary Theory book, or that Comprehensive Trig book for class, there is no way around that. While spending a lot of time with the books is one thing, encourage and remind your child about learning, as well as how to apply the actual use of those skills to the student’s own value system.

    EXAMPLE: I had to do a lot of studying for a Biology course I recently had over the earlier portion of this summer. It was a lot of useless facts and pictures to me, all things I thought I'd be fascinated with .... but I wasn't. Not at all. What got me through it was something I was told a few months back by an advisor of mine. She had said learning is sometimes less about the subject and more about the attitude we apply to the studying, and also how we do our work. I decided to tackle the rest of the course without whining and I doubled my efforts, not because I liked the subject, but because I had learned that pushing myself harder when I disliked the class was the only way I'd get it done. I had learned that lesson after nearly failing a class on account of only working on the parts I liked, as opposed to the parts I didn't. Expect your child to be terribly frustrated with some class, or several. I'd caution you to keep their spirits up and tell them to keep on. College is as much about learning to handle work we dislike with composure as it is about getting the work done.

    4 - Networking: This is, hands down one of the most important skills you can encourage your child to practice and be ready for, not just in college, but in life. Your child will be meeting people in such high volumes I am certain his/her head will spin. Encourage and expect your child to lose track of all the people they'll meet in class, or to only focus perhaps on people they might normally associate with. Push them to take names and numbers, to ask about what classes other people have had, and also what professor they studied from. Encourage them to discuss, at length, their plans and feelings with their advisor(s) and professor(s) in their majors. Get them to set up meetings with the dean of their major's department and introduce themselves. Encourage them to join or start clubs and organizations. Have them especially get to know and thank the people in their major's Academic Advising Office because they are all the people who will be helping them behind the scenes. Am I advising you to have your child suck up? Heck, a little bit I guess? I am not saying you should expect your child to become a flattering liar. Still, sometimes checking in with people or having conversations even when we don't entirely want to, or when it isn’t wholly convenient at the time, can endear us to people we can call on for help in the future, in and out of college.

    5 - Independence: Yea, we all knew this one was coming. It goes without saying that your child may very likely be living for the first time without you and your family around them. Remain constantly available for your child, but don't smother them or ask for "daily phone calls before you go to bed", or other such things. Your child will need you, but you will need them to become whole and fully realized adults in their future. This is best done in college, when you can support and keep up with them, but also allow them to find out who and what they want to be, free of your opinions or judgment. Do your feelings still count? They absolutely do. The issue, however, can become challenging if your child decides to experience new things they want and you apply your own "house rules" to their lives outside of your actual home. In the end, communicate, regardless of how either of you feels about the best way to have the college experience.

   Regardless of how you feel about these thoughts, either as a group or on their own, be glad of your child’s adventure in college and be there for them in every way you can. They will need the support and I am sure you will give it.

   As the child of a mother who supported her son through college, and still continues to do so, all I can say is “thank you” to the supportive and guiding parents, guardians, and relatives of those who venture off into the unknown of academia. They are better off because of college, but they are also better off because of you.